Recently a new opportunity opened up to me. I jumped on it. I’m learning so much information that sometimes it’s a little overwhelming. It is like nothing I’ve ever done, however I am amazed at how much of my classes apply to my life; as it was, as it is now.
With this new opportunity, growth, exploration of my ability, comes meeting new people. Good people, with good intentions. Fun people that, unknown to them, have been helping me find my smile more regularly. Helping me re-assimilate to the world around me.
What dawned on me today, as I zoomed away from class, was that I’ve somehow morphed into somebody I never have been. I’ve turned into an anti-social, unreadable, unfriendly pain in the ass. Let me explain…
I’m not used to being quiet. I’m not used to being guarded. I’m not used to being uncomfortable around people. I’m not used to being unapproachable. I know, deep in my heart, I’m not used to these things. Yet here I am…. being all of them.
I’ve always been a people watcher. I’ve always enjoyed having a goofy conversation, laughing with friends, sharing stories and experiences. I’ve always been approachable, although I’ve never pretended to guarantee anything that would come out of my mind would be what people were looking for. I’ve always had a wide variety of friends, and navigated between groups of people just fine. I’ve never tried to hide anything. I’ve always been me. Simple; like it or not.
The last few weeks though, I keep feeling like I’m having all these out of body experiences. Somebody will come talk to me, strike up a conversation, and while I’ll engage a little, the second they ask personal questions I get abrupt. I usually shut down the conversation and find a reason to walk away. That is not me. I know that is not me. My other side, the one whom is fighting to be recognized, to be awoken again, shouts out to my mind: “What are you doing? Have this conversation!” or “Accept the invitation, you could use a fun day with friends. You’re being a big dummy!”.
Here is what happened today; has happened so many other times….
I sat in class, coffee-less due to waking up WAY too late. I fidgeted all the way through trying to stay awake. Ended up sitting criss-cross-applesauce in my chair, chin propped in my hands, struggling to stay engaged. Hoping and praying the class would end early…. I didn’t know if I could hold on the full 2 hours.
What was the class on? Mental Health. More specifically personality disorders… great. Can you all hear my eyes roll? Like I haven’t lived through hell…. like I haven’t had a crash course in mental illness over the last few years? Thanks training gods.
By the end of class I was beyond mentally done. I was annoyed, hungry, and ready to grab some food. As I was standing in a group waiting to leave I was half engaged in conversation, and half engaged in texting Broken Girl to see if she wanted me to pick her up to get some food. I was asked if I worked out and wanted to go to the gym, I declined. Not because I don’t work out, or don’t like the people inviting me, but because I couldn’t bring myself to open up to that option. Sweating in front of strangers didn’t sound fun. Then I was asked where my daughter and I thought we may grab something to eat, I lied. I stated I didn’t know. I knew full well we were going to a place near campus so she could get to class on time after eating.
My other side was screaming at me… Let them in! Let them decide if they want to come eat with you guys. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to do that. Now?
Now I was literally running away. In fact, I’m running away from every chance I get.
The thought of opening up to new people is daunting. The thought of being judged not for what I have done, but by what has been done to me, scares the hell out of me. The fear that if people find out, in front of me, watching my body and facial expressions, they will somehow think I’m weak. Or worse, that I deserved everything I got; that my kids deserved what they got.
I’m, apparently, scared that there are no more decent people out there…. only closet abusers.
I’ve been so focused on my kid’s safety, my safety, our emotional well being, moving forward and navigating a horrible divorce and custody issue, what I’ve forgotten to do is acknowledge the psychological abuse. I’ve blatantly ignored the damage I’ve sustained. I’ve neglected to put in place navigation plans to combat the psychological warfare I’ve endured. I haven’t had to face that battle full on yet. However, here it is looking me straight in the face.
This abuse is smiling at me; hoping to defeat part of me. I know I can’t let that happen.
It’s time to face fear. It’s time to start discussions. It’s time to stop running away. It’s time to overcome; to thrive. It’s time I start believing that the good in humanity will see the good in me. That I won’t suffer judgment for what has been done to me; not by me.
It’s time I start letting people in, bit by bit. Today, it begins…
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